Filters

I spend 8-10 hours a day working with Microsoft Excel. Some people would run away in terror, but I find spreadsheets really satisfying. I am by no means an expert, but if you need any sort of look-up function, data validation with cute little drop-down lists, or conditional formatting, I'm your gal. Concatenate? Can't wait! Sometimes the data I have to validate is 5,000 rows of crap, but I get a thrill out of the problem-solving involved in figuring out how to make it work for me.


The one Excel tool that I can't live without is AutoFilter. I won't bore you cool kids with all the ways that Excel filters delight me. You should just know that my job probably wouldn't be possible without them.

Your life would be a lot more difficult without filters too. Coffee filters, oil filters, water filters, even camera filters...they all keep unwanted stuff out and let just what you want to come through. We all have that one friend who has a couple drinks and "loses her filter". Maybe you are that friend. It's not necessarily a bad thing when the filter comes off, but rarely does it make life easier. Am I wrong?

Believe it or not, I actually have a point to all this filter talk. After being on POF for over a month, I just discovered that I can apply first contact filters. No idea how I missed them before, but there they are, hiding under the Message Settings. There aren't a ton of filters, but enough that I was able to choose an age range, require a photo, and specify that users not be married (!) in order to send me a first contact message. Woohoo, no more 25 or 60 year old dudes! It also means that my inbox has been considerably quieter for the past few days. Apparently, I'm going to have to actually go fishing instead of waiting for a normal guy to take the bait. It's exhausting and almost makes me wish my mother was one of those nosy sitcom moms who try to introduce you to every nice boy they meet. That's how much I hate this dating thing: I would rather have my mother find someone for me than look for myself. 

Because I love making lists, here is a list of the problems with "fishing" on this particular dating site:

1. Upgraded users. POF is a free site. I assume that upgrading requires money, and why would you do that unless you were desperate? From what I can tell, upgrading allows you to attach more pictures to your profile, and allows you to see when someone reads the message you sent. That second bit just seems creepy to me. I'm too much of a wuss to send a "sorry, I'm not interested" reply, so I operate on the assumption that if I don't respond, the dude will just move on or get the hint. The idea that he can see when I read the message and made a conscious decision not to respond prevents me from clicking on any messages from upgraded users. I basically feel the same way about IM and Facebook messages. I don't want the person on the other end to know when I read their message, because I'm usually too busy to respond right away. 
2. Meet Me. This is the most gutless, stalker-y feature to the site. For those not in the know, this feature allows you to let someone know you are interested without actually typing a message to them. You press "Yes", "No", or "Maybe" under a user's picture and the user gets a "So-and-so wants to meet you" message. Apparently, filters don't work with this feature. It wouldn't be quite so creepy if the user pressed that button and then immediately followed with a message: "Hey, I just pressed the "Yes" button, so now I am trying to meet you. My name is..." That has happened exactly zero times. 
3. Profiles without photos. Wait. Let me guess. You want to find a woman who appreciates you for your mind and you don't want her to be distracted by your astonishingly gorgeous face, right? That body of yours is a curse, right? I don't mean to sound shallow, but come on. The picture is the first thing that any of us are looking at to decide if we want to communicate with you. There is nothing quite so creepy as the photo-less dude with nothing in his profile description but "Later" who presses the "Yes" button described in #2. Makes me want to send a "What the fuck? How's that strategy working out for you, bro?" message, but I'm afraid that user would be like a computer virus - best not to open the attachment. 
4. Online Now in the Inbox. I wouldn't say I'm paranoid, but I don't necessarily want people to know when I'm online. Nor do I want to know when they are. I was responding to a message the other day and noticed that another guy with whom I've been chatting was online. I'm not really interested in him, but when I didn't receive a message from him, I actually got a little miffed. This was totally irrational as we had exchanged maybe two messages so he hasn't had the opportunity to learn what an amazing catch I am (tongue firmly planted in cheek). I hate irrational women, especially when they are me. 

One last thing before I go: a guy emailed me last night and we've been having a nice conversation. He seems like a down-to-earth, decent, fairly normal guy. He is flying home to Alaska to surprise his mom for the first time in 10 years, has an autistic daughter who is his pride and joy and "reason to be"...just really seems like a genuine, nice guy. Today, though, I noticed that the photo of his tattoo is, I think, an ICP clown. Oh no! Is this a juggalo? Just my luck.

24 year olds, Juggalos, Old Dudes, and Tina

Okay, so the past month has been a whirlwind of mostly unwanted attention. It all started when my girl S came up from Vancouver on a Saturday afternoon in November. I actually said these words when we were talking on the phone around noon: "I want to go trolling." 3 hours later, she was here with hot rollers and a whole bag full of makeup. We called our friend L (who is married to a great guy with two beautiful children that I consider my unofficial god-babies) because she actually gets out and knows the hot spots to go dancing. We ended up on Capitol Hill on a Saturday night. We spent most of our time at the straightest, most dancy place on the hill where...I admit it, I kissed a couple of boys. Here's the thing, though: they were all boys. I'm talking 24-year-old boys. Por ejemplo, when the Puerto Rican hottie started whispering "ay mami" in my ear, I had to stop him and say "yes, I am old enough to be your teenage mommy." That's too young.

I went on a date set up by my friend T. Perfectly nice guy, but this happened: Date: "...my family moved when I was in second grade, in 1992..." Me: "Wait. Back up. Did you just say you were in second grade in 1992?" Date: "Yes. Why?" Me: "I graduated from high school in 1992." Yep. Too young. I nannied kids older than him when I was 18...in 1992. As a teacher, that's just creepy. Like I said, a perfectly nice guy, though, and a good fellow to know.

I've come to realize that I have a very restrictive age range in potential suitors. It's tough being so close to 40. I want to say 5 years older or younger is fine, but 34 feels too young, and 44 is almost 45 and that seems really old...unless he still has hair. Apologies to both of my older brothers for that last sentence. Weird to think that I used to regularly date guys who were 5 or 6 years older. I'll bet none of those dudes still have hair. Side note: the only people who say "age is just a number" are people who aren't in your age range.

The online dating thing is weird. Like, extra super batshit crazy weird. Don't believe me? Here are a few of the extra super craziest who have contacted me:
1) 61-year-old "reformed minister" whose initial contact turns into a rant about young ladies who turn out to be old women. Seriously.
2) My second old dude: I received a message from a 61-year-old "crystal hound" who chose "nudist gourmet" as his online dating profile name. Truth.
3) Speaking of profile names - Sorry, "juggalojohn69", but I am not the juggalette you're seeking to turn your 69 into a 96. Do you know that my little dog was rescued from juggalos? 

4) A 30 year-old chef contacted me and said that if I like to party, he knows Tina. My response: "sorry, too old. I don't even know Tina. I quit doing party drugs before they got names like 14-year-old girls." It just feels wildly inappropriate for me to say "I did Molly/Tina last night." Right? Confession: I don't honestly know if tina is a drug. I just assumed it was, but maybe I missed an amazing opportunity. Maybe Tina is just a really fun girl, the life of the party. I guess I'll never know now.

Here are some general observations and, perhaps, tips for men considering setting up an online dating profile. 1) Keep your shirt on! No one wants to see your nipples. 2) When in doubt, see #1. 3) Please don't submit pictures of yourself at the gym. Save those pics for your super heterosexual bros. 4) Your profile says a lot about you. In fact, it says all about you that I will ever care to find out. Choose your profile name carefully. SeahawkFan74 is perfect (as long as 74 refers to your birth year, not your age),  LookinForFun69 is not. 5) Maybe she is your sister, but when your profile picture shows you dressed up and/or dancing with another woman, most of us will never click to find out who she is. Fail.

It's not all bad, though. I have a date with a Plenty of Fish guy on Monday, and I'm pretty taken with him. I hope it goes okay; I'm actually looking forward to this date.