24 year olds, Juggalos, Old Dudes, and Tina

Okay, so the past month has been a whirlwind of mostly unwanted attention. It all started when my girl S came up from Vancouver on a Saturday afternoon in November. I actually said these words when we were talking on the phone around noon: "I want to go trolling." 3 hours later, she was here with hot rollers and a whole bag full of makeup. We called our friend L (who is married to a great guy with two beautiful children that I consider my unofficial god-babies) because she actually gets out and knows the hot spots to go dancing. We ended up on Capitol Hill on a Saturday night. We spent most of our time at the straightest, most dancy place on the hill where...I admit it, I kissed a couple of boys. Here's the thing, though: they were all boys. I'm talking 24-year-old boys. Por ejemplo, when the Puerto Rican hottie started whispering "ay mami" in my ear, I had to stop him and say "yes, I am old enough to be your teenage mommy." That's too young.

I went on a date set up by my friend T. Perfectly nice guy, but this happened: Date: "...my family moved when I was in second grade, in 1992..." Me: "Wait. Back up. Did you just say you were in second grade in 1992?" Date: "Yes. Why?" Me: "I graduated from high school in 1992." Yep. Too young. I nannied kids older than him when I was 18...in 1992. As a teacher, that's just creepy. Like I said, a perfectly nice guy, though, and a good fellow to know.

I've come to realize that I have a very restrictive age range in potential suitors. It's tough being so close to 40. I want to say 5 years older or younger is fine, but 34 feels too young, and 44 is almost 45 and that seems really old...unless he still has hair. Apologies to both of my older brothers for that last sentence. Weird to think that I used to regularly date guys who were 5 or 6 years older. I'll bet none of those dudes still have hair. Side note: the only people who say "age is just a number" are people who aren't in your age range.

The online dating thing is weird. Like, extra super batshit crazy weird. Don't believe me? Here are a few of the extra super craziest who have contacted me:
1) 61-year-old "reformed minister" whose initial contact turns into a rant about young ladies who turn out to be old women. Seriously.
2) My second old dude: I received a message from a 61-year-old "crystal hound" who chose "nudist gourmet" as his online dating profile name. Truth.
3) Speaking of profile names - Sorry, "juggalojohn69", but I am not the juggalette you're seeking to turn your 69 into a 96. Do you know that my little dog was rescued from juggalos? 

4) A 30 year-old chef contacted me and said that if I like to party, he knows Tina. My response: "sorry, too old. I don't even know Tina. I quit doing party drugs before they got names like 14-year-old girls." It just feels wildly inappropriate for me to say "I did Molly/Tina last night." Right? Confession: I don't honestly know if tina is a drug. I just assumed it was, but maybe I missed an amazing opportunity. Maybe Tina is just a really fun girl, the life of the party. I guess I'll never know now.

Here are some general observations and, perhaps, tips for men considering setting up an online dating profile. 1) Keep your shirt on! No one wants to see your nipples. 2) When in doubt, see #1. 3) Please don't submit pictures of yourself at the gym. Save those pics for your super heterosexual bros. 4) Your profile says a lot about you. In fact, it says all about you that I will ever care to find out. Choose your profile name carefully. SeahawkFan74 is perfect (as long as 74 refers to your birth year, not your age),  LookinForFun69 is not. 5) Maybe she is your sister, but when your profile picture shows you dressed up and/or dancing with another woman, most of us will never click to find out who she is. Fail.

It's not all bad, though. I have a date with a Plenty of Fish guy on Monday, and I'm pretty taken with him. I hope it goes okay; I'm actually looking forward to this date.